He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
