I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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