I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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