When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
3pm strippers are depressing
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
