Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
