you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
