Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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