You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Randomize
