I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
