Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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