he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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