I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
