I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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