i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
