They should really pass out barf bags in church
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
