i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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