i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
