If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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