I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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