Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
