I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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