dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
