even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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