I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You've changed since you got that strap on
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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