I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
