I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you win again, gameday.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
