I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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