Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
