Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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