textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
