Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
