you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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