the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Shitshow foam night was such a success
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
