Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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