On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
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I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
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Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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