last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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