I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
