she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
