I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
