just tell him i said nine months
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
