Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
