ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
