so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
