Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
