i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
