During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
