if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
You smell like a Billy Joel song
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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