He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
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When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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