Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
