Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize