oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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