even my farts smell like vagina
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
