so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
