I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
