I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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