just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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