I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
