She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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